What I did at work today

Monmouth Message News Brief- Chaplain Dies in Kuwait

I was tasked to be a part of the rifle team to honor the chaplain with three volleys of 7 and Taps. I've never been tasked with this before because it's normally left to males- a tradition that I hold no issue with, as it's always been an infantry type event. Anyway, I was honored and the eight of us practiced at length for the past two days to sound and look good.

I spend a lot of time here at my desk in my bedroom and at work contemplating current events and constructively criticizing our silly government, but taking part in these events reminds me of the love affair I had with the Army until recently. There's so much pride and tradition, and there are many of us who try to hold onto the romance way passed the deadline. If I could participate in funeral honors, color guards and flag details all the time I'd probably still be as naive about the real deal as I was 4 years ago. In the past two weeks 2 Sergeants Major have retired and our company had a change of command, so I've done a lot of standing still and handing bouquets to wives. I always enjoy the songs and honors. I'm a nostalgic old fart. I think I might be my grandpa reincarnated sometimes.

I'm having a very difficult time dedicating am emtry to the past ten years. It's hard to face demons, as well as the fact that I demand total candor in my blog unless it's intentional and there are certain parts of the story that don't coincide with "Sam" of now. I'm such a fucking coward.

**edit**
It's sad. It reminds me of running into an old boyfriend and trying to spark the flame and realizing that you're holding onto a ghost

an epiphan-ette from the other day

bliss, however long it lasts, can never be more than a small bitty thing you put in some corner and take out and roll around in your hand every so often to smile at, like a shiny pebble. It's untarnished and perfect, so there's no point in ruining it with mediocrity and insecurities. the inconceivable opportunities that create smiles and ecstasy are puffball dandelions that you still pick out of the grass at a backyard party and stop, if only for a split second, and smile, maybe sigh. you go through your day-to-day, up and down up and down. And it's deserved, and it's real and lasting, and it isn't stagnant or dreary and you're happy with the complexities and drama because it's like an onion and that's also good. so your little pebble exists within the churning ocean waves and the water and the salt and the sun are your blanket and when the light hits just right, like it always does, that seemingly insignificant moment shines bright for that eternal split second, because that's what it was there for the whole time, and there is nothing that can ever be wrong with that.

Seriously, I will... I don't know when... Soon!

I need to sit and focus and tell you about my decade of combat boots. I said I would for the beef bringers . I always wanted to lay it all out there and put it nice piles anyway, but linear thought is not my forte, mes amis. I definitely will do it. Maybe tomorrow. How shitty is the fucking weather today?! I walk 6 blocks to the train from my palace and about 2 miles to my job from the train, and it managed to drizzle the whole fucking time. Joy. I want to update my list o' blogs I'm digging as well. It'll happen.