no title today

I've observed in the later part of my three decades here, that I am fortunate to have experienced grief. Damn skippy.

Grief depression ecstasy indifference desolation bliss fury

The pivot points of my life are based on emotional breakthroughs. I lost one of my very best friends and went on a three year bender. I fell madly in love and temporarily lost my mind. I gave up control finally and quieted my mind. I often joke that people who don't experience loss, don't have conflicts, those are the ones in the clock tower with the pump-action. In that proud ignorance I held myself to an unrealistic and false level of enlightenment. I live at a heightened level of stress, praising myself for being so witty and cynical, so well informed, and all the while I haven't the slightest clue of true strife. Living every day like it's me against the idiots and I'm holding it all together and then I hit a speedbump. Now I have REAL LIFE RIGHT HERE IN MY FUCKING FACE. It's going to be alright, but I'm such an overreactor. I'm torturing Mike with so many irrational thoughts and anxiety, I'm annoying myself. I hate not being the boss of me.
On the hand, maybe I just need to refocus my lens. Hello world.


the rhythm of her beating heart was the only indication

I find myself identifying with songs in ways that don't coincide with the lyrics. U2 "Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own" is that song for me right now. I was a long time fan and then it faded when the political undertones became less subtle, but this song is just perfectly haunting and melancholy for my mood.

I'm going through a thing right now. I've been in the Army, active duty, since November 9, 1996. I was in the Reserve before that from November 22, 1994. I was 17. I went from Catholic School in the Bronx to renting my own apartment, married in Hinesville, Georgia in less than 2 years. I've been to a few handfuls of countries. Fucked, drank, and sang all over the world.

I've always been unique. Always a little drowsy. I've fallen asleep walking, talking, eating, driving, and of course, fucking. I have extremely vivid dreams. I lurch awake sometimes, confused. I have to ask my sister if we had a particular conversation because I'd swear it happened.

I went to the doctor. I've put on a bit of weight this year. I had a little depressed period. I thought some blood work would tell me what was awry.
"You should get a sleep study to see if you have apnea."

No apnea.

"Practice better sleep hygiene." "Stop being so lazy." "Drink more coffee. "

New doctor

"Go get a sleep study and a slep latency test."

Holy fuck you have narcolepsy.

"OK, here's what we're gonna do. You can't drive for at least the next month because now we know you might nod off and here's some medication that makes you feel like you want to puke all day. Have fun. And, oh by the way, you can't stay in the military because alertness is mildly important."

The neat thing, however, is the concept of a fresh start. I have to try to remember what I wanted to do/ be 10 years ago.
Of course the boyfriend has been exceptional. He's a miracle. Outstanding in the sack as well. Ridiculous, isn't it?