Today

I think it may be worthwhile to record, but then again, possibly not at all. Does a person who has, let's say, a personality disorder- harsher sounding than it really is- have periods of clarity, like when you're coming down off of a hallucinogenic high? It came to me out of nowhere. I think I have more severe ups and downs than the average schlub, but I don't think I qualify for Lithium by any stretch. I do have these moments when I'm down, like right this minute, when I''m obsessing about dumb shit that I step outside of myself and it's a big "what the fuck". I know the thought process is flawed, but I can't see the "work"(math reference). I'm "here", and I know the answer is "there", but I can't for the fucking life of me see the path. I know what would make shit easier-- put someone in the army, save money, stop obsessing-- but I can't get there. And then there's the drinking. It's the same shit I did as a teenager. Try it out, push the envelope, jump back at the last minute. Do I have it in me to be a drunk? No. I think I would have been already. I used to drink a lot fucking more than this. But I do find a little bit of solace in it, and I don't know if that's okay. It doesn't solve anything, but it alleviates the torment for a few hours. This rant hasn't even solved anything really. It just puts it out of my head and into the light, maybe if I study it I can figure it out.