I feel like I'm sneaking out of the asylum door that one of the orderlies left open. I'm all tip-toey hoping no one notices. I mean it was their decision in the first place, but still. I can't wait till I'm actually out for real and then I can be candid and share without fear of repercussion.


--In other news, James Brown's "Super Bad" is totally one of my favorite songs. Just because.

just a reminder that we're always the center of our own universe

i really can't seem to get over myself sometimes. I've put on a rather good lot of weight over the past year. i'm inherently lazy, and with the amount of stress i've managed to put on myself in recent months, it's really no wonder. looking at old pictures brings it home even more. i have these miny breakdowns, the quietest anxiety attack you ever did see. i get terribly insecure and it eats at me and i feel guilty for feeling bad about myself and the boyfriend tries to be supportive and caring and i beat myself up, how endearing. i can't forget about overreacting and reading into everything. deep down i know that sometimes people are socializing and can't talk to me whenever i desire but it still sends my dramatic imagination into outer space about my out of shape fat self. Never mind the whole changing caree path thing. I'm trying to remind myself that there was a time i savored change like the intial incline of a rollercoaster. I get to pick my method of bacon bringing for the next long while, where other folks are bogged down in mediocrity. the source of the anxiety is said bacon. I have no savings to speak of. I probab;y have a negative net worth. But now I'm on the phone with my bunny and he's being his sweet self and I feel like a minor league loon who needs to get a grip. Gotta love that rollercoaster.

The boyfriend is a doll. This is Matt, Monica, Mike, and yours truly at Matt's parents' house in North Carolina about 3 weeks before they deployed.

there is another

Happy Birthday Monica. She's 28 today. She's a medic, like me. She's here.

Camp Ashraf
The Mujahedin el-Khalq (MKO or MEK) main base is at Camp Ashraf, Iraq, about 100 kilometers west of the Iranian border and 60 kilometers north of Baghdad. The People's Mujahadeen, also known by its Persian name Mujahedeen-e Khalq (MEK), has been classified by Washington as a terrorist organization. Washington announced on 22 April 2003 that it had reached a ceasefire with the MEK. The next day MEK officials said the agreement allowed the MEK to keep its weapons and carry on its activities in Iran from Camp Ashraf. But June 2003 the US Military Police took control of Camp Ashraf and the MEK was consolidated and all weapons secured by MPs. As of September 2003 the 4,000 MEK members in the former Mujahedeen base were consolidated, detained, disarmed and were being screened for any past terrorist acts.

The 530th MP Battalion, maintained the MEK Detention Facility at Camp Ashraf.

According to the U.S. military, it does not hold any Iranian detainees but Iraqis accused of serious crimes such as murder and rape.

She's on my short list of for real best friends and all around favorite people. I don't have any pictures of her online or i'd share. She rocks.

I love it when a plan comes together

I can finally share what I've been working on for the past 2 months. The boyfriend turned a grand 25 years old on Friday.

His sister, her best friend, and I orchestrated a surprise party for him. He hasn't been the extra special birthday boy in quite some time so we decided to throw him a fete because he deserves it and he rocks.


It was quite the undertaking as he and I are on the phone constantly and I'm with him every weekend. He was totally surprised though, so yay us.


He really likes poker and gambling, etc. so we made out own casino theme. Of course he and the boys played cards for a while. This is what happens when you mix Jack Daniels and poker.

Happy Birthday Hunny Bunny

I was jonesing for dinner and decided to drive straight to food from work, a direction i hadn't taken yet. Of course I got off the wrong exit and drove in a large circle for 30 minutes. Magically I decided to make a left and there was my yummy restaurant. I felt very psychic that moment, thank you.

Back to work. woohoo. At least I don't have to venture down the NJ turnpike, or the devil's asshole, anymore for at least a few more weeks.So now I'm back and i have no idea what my timeline is. I might have two more months or 6 more months. So I have to gather myself together and make neat piles before I hit the skids. There's nothing real entertaining about any of this, just need to get it out. I have so much to do. I have to find a new job, get my finances together, get rid of some minor debts, blah blah blah. maybe after i get a full night's sleep I'll be funnier.

Yeah Buddy

I am so goddamn tired. We spent a three day weekend in Carlisle, Pannsylvania at a huge truck show. Drank a lot of beer, ate hot wings, looked at cool trucks. It took 4 hours to get there Friday morning and almost 7 to get home on Sunday. The New Jersey Turnpike is a funnel for retarded people (no offense to retarded people) to go from New York to the rest of the country. I left Long Island at 4am and made it to Philly in less than 90 minutes, a personal best, but I encountered the most ridiculous people at a rest stop. There is no room for rude behavior at 5am. All I wanted to do was pull into a parking spot before i peed myself and this group of people stood directly in front of my truck having a conversation. I even rolled my window down and politely asked if i could get into the spot and received the reply of, "Just a second."!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY BEFORE I PEE ON YOU, is what i should have said in response, but I just glared at him, because I was very tired. I got down to D.C. around 8:30-ish and got poked in the ears, eyes, median cubital vein, and got to pee in a cup. Lucky me. One thing I did not et, however, was answers. Some of my labs weren't beck yet, so I have to wait two weeks. Oh well. i have pics from the weekend and the drive, but mine eyes are weary, so till the morrow.

Get in Gear

Well, it looks like I may have some answers come Monday afternoon regarding my timeline for ceasing employment with my namesake Uncle. I have to go to D.C. again for more poking and then an appointment with the doctor. I have so much time and so little to do!*

pure genius.

Seriously, you look about eleventy.

damnitalltohell

For someone with a friggin sleeping disorder, I feel like I've been getting less and less this week.

Uneventful boringosity

One of the buildings on post (one of the many) is going to be emptied out to accomadate another activity and I'm helping the soon to be previous occupant clean up. There are these two gnarly looking metal cabinets with 4(?) flip-up glass doors. They have to be at least 40-50 years old, probably all lead painted. The entire place'll be gutted so I asked H. if I could load them up in the pick-em-up truck for "someone who could use them". I'm determined to find a use for them. I'll repaint them. I have a decent bookcase, so maybe i could do Army and baseball memorabilia or something. I don't want to get lectured by a certain someone on how i already have no room. I'm well aware. I want them anyway. So there. (loving you)
--Ooh, I knitted last night. It only tok me 3 hours to cast-on and knit-stitch ten rows. I fancy myself to be pretty smart, but I am one of the most uncoordinated fuckers I know. So now I'm making shit. With my own fangers. Who wants a scarf?

Space Shuttle Discovery Launches

I'm glad they're ok. I watched it fromt he NASA website at work. There's so much tension today. Egypt, London, New York, the shuttle launch. NASA Return to Flight i hope they fare well and return safely.

Above, below, and right here

I think I've certified myself as a dork. I totally love Google Earth. I mapped addresses for at least 2 hours yesterday. It's the coolest goddamn thing. You can look at certain areas in 3D as well. It makes me nauseous when it zooms in to a new location though.

There are an alarming amount of Virgin Mary statues in dog houses. Trust me, they're definitely dog houses. I stared at it long and hard.

SO Penn Station was evacuated and I'm subject to search on any public transportation in my fair city. I'm more surprised it took nearly four years.
Bomb Scare Empties NYC's Penn Station

Idle Hands..

I need a hobby. I also need money, energy, and central air conditioning. I'm thinking about knitting. I was never good at it as a child. My grandma taught me how to sew, embroider, cross-stitch and hook, but knitting always escaped me. not that i was any good at any of those either, but I was profoundly bad at knitting. Anyone out there knit? If so, do you enjoy it? Any tips are welcome.

no no no no, this is not important. no.

This can't possibly be a priority. I'm fucking mystified. Pepole are dying, starving, killing, exposing CIA agents who may or may not have been covert operatives blah blah blah, bombing buildings, planes, tubes, and tube stations, raping, kidnapping, and so on, but this is going to solve everything. I think the pod people or the Scientologists or maybe the goddamn lizard men have finally gotten into our brains. My fucking head hurts.

Panel Backs Extension of Daylight-Saving Time
WASHINGTON (July 19) - A joint Senate-House committee working out the details of a broad U.S. energy bill voted on Tuesday to expand U.S. daylight-saving time by two months to help reduce energy consumption.

Negotiators from both chambers are racing against the clock to put a final energy package on President Bush's desk by a self-imposed deadline of Aug. 1.

Among the conflicts to be resolved is the cost of energy production tax breaks, which totaled $8 billion in the House bill and $16 billion in the Senate bill, and legal protection for oil refiners that manufactured a fuel additive suspected of being a carcinogen.

On Tuesday, the negotiators from the Senate and House agreed to move the start of daylight-saving time in the United States one month earlier to the first Sunday in March. The end of daylight time would be delayed one month to the last Sunday in November.

Daylight-saving time occurs each spring when clocks are turned forward by one hour. U.S. clocks go back one hour to standard time in the fall.

Supporters claim extending daylight-saving time would save about 100,000 barrels of oil a day because offices and stores would be open while it was still light outside and therefore use less energy.

Democratic Sen. Jeff Bingaman will try to amend the plan before lawmakers finish the bill by shortening the period that daylight-saving time would be extended. A Bingaman aide pointed out that farmers are opposed to the extra two months because they will have to start their workday in the dark.

Separately, Senate Democrats plan to offer an amendment to the final energy bill to cut U.S. oil consumption by 1 million barrels a day in a decade.

The Senate approved such a plan in its version of energy legislation, while the House rejected it in its energy bill.

House lawmakers with automakers in their districts are against the proposal, fearing it is a backdoor way to require U.S. minivans, sport utility vehicles and pickup trucks to improve their fuel efficiency.

However, some lawmakers believe it makes sense to tighten the mileage requirements of new vehicles because gasoline demand accounts for about 40 percent of total U.S. oil use.

The Senate's plan would not mandate any specific action to reduce oil consumption, and leaves it up to the president to figure out how to save the oil.

One of the major issues that still has to be worked out is whether to give oil companies that make the water-polluting gasoline additive MTBE protection from certain lawsuits.

The House put the liability waiver in its energy bill, while the Senate strongly opposes the lawsuit protection. Republican Joe Barton of Texas, who chairs the House-Senate committee working on the energy bill, is trying to reach a compromise deal on the issue.

Barton has proposed creating a trust fund to help pay for the cleanup, estimated to be in the billions of dollars.

MTBE producers would pay a "significant amount" of the trust fund, said one industry lobbyist negotiating the deal, who declined to elaborate. One sticking point to a deal is some MTBE producers, presumably the smaller companies, may have to pay more into the fund than their expected liability, the lobbyist said.

yay, it's monday.

I saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" yesterday. I got a kick out the fact that I saw it a movie theater in East Hampton, NY. A movie about greedy little kids that get spoiled. In the Hamptons. Heh heh. Anyway, it was interesting. And by interesting I mean odd. Like an acid trip. I know that the original movie did not do the book any justice, but that is my vision of the movie, so it was different. I was actually kind of disappointed with the effects. It was so cgi'd. The Oompa Loompa is one guy that they multiplied. That's a whoel topic in itself. The Oompa Loompa songs were not what we all knew them to be. It was darker, and I enjoyed Burton's translation of the book. Johnny Depp played an insane Wonka. Where Gene Wilder's Wonka was crazyand clever at the same time, Depp's portrayal was absolute madness. The kids were evil little bastards too. Augustus, Violet, Veruca, and Mike had no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and the actors that played them were very entertaining. All in all I liked it but I know a lot of people are going to be bothered by the departure from the first movie, which was a departure from the book in the first place.

Oh, and I got really drunk all weekend and got about a gazillion mosquito bites on my feet.

an afterthought

I wouldn't be who I am today were it not for my experiences. I'm definitely the sum of my parts. And thankfully I've found loving, positive people and relationships who have been my "therapists" and I theirs. The bonds I share with my dad and sister and my best friend and boyfriend are the reasons behind my breaking the cycle of toxic relationships and people. There are plenty of people who have had life deal them a much shittier deck than me, and I'm thankful that I'm okay. ::smile::

Bob

I'm bent for finding this amusing
My mother's boyfriend(?) ::wretch:: Bob died on Saturday. Apparently he's had a few heart attacks and strokes over the past year and the last one got him good. I told my dad and aunt (her sister) that I think he asked the nurse to do him in so he wouldn't have to go back. He was in his 70's. My mom is 50. They've lived together for 13 years I think. She had to get the fuck away from us. I guess two trips to rehab wasn't far enough, so she decided to shack up with Bob. Bob lived 3 blocks away. Classy. My dad never divorced her because she has some degenerative disk thing and has to get surgery all the time. I'm pretty sure she'll keep on for a whiel though, as I've heard pain killers and vodka preserve your organs better than formaldehyde. So all this time she and Bob have been yucking it up and my dad chose not to divorce her so she could have his medical coverage. So Bob kicked it. I wouldn't have known this happened if Hurricane Dennis hadn't visited. My aunt and uncle live on the central Gulf Coast of Florida so I emailed her Sunday to see if they were okay. We hadn't spoken in 6 months because I didn' visit her at my uncle's house when she was up to visit because mother was supposed to be there. So she emails me back about Bob and we were ont he phone for a good 2 hours last night. My mother is an extremely unpleasant person. Apparently when her father died a few years ago, she took "her" money and put it in an account under ole boy's name so my dad couldn't use it on court for child support. And oh by the way, she led the hospital to believe she was Bob's wife so she could make decisions regarding DNR's, treatment, etc. What a doll. Um, oh yeah, he left her his house on Eastchester Bay and around $250K in insurance policies, allegedly. So then I hear she was at the funeral home last night or whenever and my other aunt is there and she tells her all this and asks her not to tell Jean (Florida) because she's cool with my dad and she doesn't want him to know. Just so ya's understand, everyone's cool with my dad. My mother's mother liked my dad better than her own daughter. i reassured her that she wouldn't have to tell him, because I was going to as soon as we finished our conversation. We spoke for a while longer and then I got my dad on the horn and pretty much commanded him to call his lawyer. He won't though, as he's a puss and pities her. He met her when they were 22 years old. She had a lovely infant daughter named Samantha who was about 6 months old. Eric knew Samantha's biological "father" as well, not that it mattered, as Neil's involvement with Dena's pregnancy consisted of him kindly suggesting she get an abortion or he was hitting the skids. So they married when Samantha was 3 or so and he went to the courthouse to let them know he was my father and could they correct my birth certificate. That's a Bronx adoption for you. Seven years later they made my doll of a sister. Seven years, 2 trips to rehab and alot of tears after that Elvis left the building. Soooo, i hope she got what she wanted. She's alone in a big house with some money. I bet my dad she wouldn't make it five years.