I am Jack's Afterschool Special

So I'm on the road to wellness. Not only have I agreed to sit down with a by-god psychologist, I'm taking a low dose antidepressant and I'm in serious like with an amazing human being. I mean holy fucking shit, it's about time, potential having dude. Maybeit's a cruel joke and I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be all gloom and doom again. But I seriously hope not. We are very much in the zone with each other. Apparently I'm special according to him and I think he's goddamn awesome. I would make some "grand plan" adjustments if this is what I'm hoping it is. I only hope when al my icky past lives are exposed he doesn't run screaming. I've done some retarded shit, and he seems to be a pretty upstanding human. Not that I'm the fucking devil incarnate, but I feel like damged goods sometimes and I worry about that. Anyway, so yeah, this is one part of my life that is absolutely perfect. No more marriedguyunavailableemotionalissuebullshit.

Fucking duh.

I must say. People will always surprise you.

Today

I think it may be worthwhile to record, but then again, possibly not at all. Does a person who has, let's say, a personality disorder- harsher sounding than it really is- have periods of clarity, like when you're coming down off of a hallucinogenic high? It came to me out of nowhere. I think I have more severe ups and downs than the average schlub, but I don't think I qualify for Lithium by any stretch. I do have these moments when I'm down, like right this minute, when I''m obsessing about dumb shit that I step outside of myself and it's a big "what the fuck". I know the thought process is flawed, but I can't see the "work"(math reference). I'm "here", and I know the answer is "there", but I can't for the fucking life of me see the path. I know what would make shit easier-- put someone in the army, save money, stop obsessing-- but I can't get there. And then there's the drinking. It's the same shit I did as a teenager. Try it out, push the envelope, jump back at the last minute. Do I have it in me to be a drunk? No. I think I would have been already. I used to drink a lot fucking more than this. But I do find a little bit of solace in it, and I don't know if that's okay. It doesn't solve anything, but it alleviates the torment for a few hours. This rant hasn't even solved anything really. It just puts it out of my head and into the light, maybe if I study it I can figure it out.

I can give and receive love with joy and abandon and still find my way home alone at night.

I want to be able to do this.

Dumb dumb dummy questions

So what do you think really attracts one person to another and mutually even? And honestly, anyone who thinks they have an answer is full of massive amounts of shit. I mean, seriously, if I think back and try to tell you what it was with each encounter, it would be different 9 times out of 10. That and it wouldn't be fucking accurate anyway because hindsight fucks up perspective. The journey, however, has been A-1 out-goddamn-standing. I mean, seriously, I've been places and seen shit and met people. Maybe that's why I'm who I am. As far as the mild neurosis and whatnot. But there's always that light at the end of the tunnel man. And then blinding sun. What are you gonna do? Take it on the chin? Rage against the dying of the light?

--This reminds me of like, 6th grade or something, when my english teacher would have us do "journal writing". I fucking hated it. I could never think of anything to write. So I'd make up dumb stuff, because I didn't want her to know what I was thinking. I couldn't be honest with myself when I was 11? That's fucked up. And with that

Evidence of slipping...

I suppose I might actually share my thoughts and such with perfect strangers and finally acknowledge I've lost it. The proverbial marbles.